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You Recap: Sweet Fantasy (Remix)

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My Fair Maddie
Season 5 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating 4 stars
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You

My Fair Maddie
Season 5 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating 4 stars
Photo: Netflix

Joe can’t stop thinking about having an affair. We know that the surest sign Joe is about to do A Bad Thing is when he promises to himself and us, via voice-over, that he would never do A Bad Thing, so as soon as he swears he won’t “jeopardize” his “good, stable life,” we know he’s cooked. It’s only a matter of time. But for now, he is lying to himself about how he has a box in his mind for Bronte. Not to be confused with the box in the basement. That’s a totally different box. Bronte is going in a metaphorical box.

Kate’s behavior is so chilly even Henry can tell that “Mommy is mad.” Kate attempts to handle her husband via sexy swagger, bragging about how she’s not to be fucked with — really channeling the Kate we met last season who claimed she did not care and in fact would prefer if Joe thought she was a bitch. She knows that blackmail will work. By being a psycho-killer, Joe has inadvertently allowed Kate to delude herself into thinking that blackmail is actually a fine and above-board thing to do because she’s now grading on a curve that includes “killing someone and staging their death as a suicide” (what the pros call Heathers-ing). Joe decides to let Kate live in her fantasy; meanwhile, he will swap the twins, kill Reagan, and let Kate think her blackmail is the reason Reagan disappeared. It feels pretty obvious that Kate would never buy that, knowing what she knows about her husband’s propensity for homicide, but Joe is too busy fantasizing about Bronte calling him a genius to realize this.

Joe tells Maddie the plan: She will pretend to be Reagan, save the Literary Initiative (look, I love books, I love books so much I wrote one, you can read it when it comes out next year, but I rolled my eyes so hard at this; as if this half-baked “Literary Initiative” they have is even a good enough reason to do multiple kidnappings and murders!), install Teddy on the board (if Kate is going to unilaterally do whatever she wants without the board’s approval anyway, what difference does it make?), and step down. She is unconvinced until Joe dangles the ultimate prize before her: As Reagan, she can undo the big, bad prenup and then, as Maddie, be with Harrison forever.

I will admit I find Maddie’s hesitation here a little strange because wouldn’t you just pretend to think this is a good idea to get out of the human aquarium? I don’t want to tell another woman how to live her life or anything. Still, if it were me, I would say “escaping from the dungeon in the bookstore basement owned by my sociopathic brother-in-law who I know killed my uncle Bob” would be priority No. 1. But Maddie is focused more on the practicalities. Despite the looming presence of John Stamos, this is not a ’90s family comedy; twins can’t just swap places. Maddie doubts her ability to be Reagan because Maddie doubts herself. I’m excited for Maddie to self-actualize! Not ideal circumstances, but still. I’m really rooting for her.

Joe is already covering his tracks, talking about Reagan’s (nonexistent) plan to be in a “spa in Santa Fe” during the swap. We know Joe’s plan is for Reagan to be dead; Maddie, I guess, is in denial about that. This conversation about twin-swapping logistics is interrupted by a loud THUD from upstairs. Poor, helpless Bronte has gotten herself crushed by a toppling bookcase. (“Rescuing you from a pile of books: new fantasy unlocked.” Oh my God, kill me. She has to be conning him, right?)

Bronte has taken it upon herself to plan a bookstore opening for tomorrow night. Did she run this by Joe? Is this part of her job description? Has she promoted it at all? No, no, and unclear, but Joe is too smitten to say no. This does not come up at all, but I was surprised that, given Joe’s status as a public figure who gets written up in the Cut and the public paperwork that must show Kate is the one who bought the bookstore, nobody at this exclusive opening seemed to know who he was or wonder why his wife wasn’t there. Did Bronte only invite the assholes she knows from Queens or what?

Anyway, Bronte accuses Joe of “being weird.” They are both continuing the fiction that they don’t want to fuck each other’s brains out. And look, I love fiction! Men don’t read enough of it. I love that we are supposed to believe Bronte is trying to set a boundary while dressing for work exclusively in slip dresses that look like lingerie with half her bra sticking out. Everyone on this show is a delusional liar, and I think that’s beautiful

While Joe messes up his life by always going way overboard, Kate’s real mistake is that she’s doing everything by half-measures. She says she wants to make the world a better place and be a good person, but you don’t do that by making decisions like a dictator and then blackmailing anyone who can’t get with your program. Kate has a standoff with Reagan, confronting her with the proof of embezzlement: “Go quietly, and I’ll spare you the public disgrace.” In addition to marrying her father, though, it appears Kate has also become him, or so Reagan says. Reagan is too clever to let Uncle Bob’s death lie. She found out what Bob knew and then some: She knows Joe killed Rhys and that they framed Nadia for the murder. She’s having Bob’s body exhumed, and it will be QUITE clear that he was hanged after he was already dead, which would, ahem, suggest a second party was involved. It’s a Uno Reverse for the ages! “Who is going to take care of the poor little psycho child when Mommy and Daddy are both in prison?” Reagan asks. Yet again, I say: Maybe that nice family in Madre Linda! Probably for the best for everyone!

Back at the bookstore, Bronte asks Joe to look over some of her new writing. It’s hard to tell if it’s good or if Joe is just in lust with her, but he says it is a “raw, surprising” take on “toxic love.” Joe tests the waters regarding his style of problem-solving (“if it were up to me, men like that would be lined up in front of a firing squad”), and Bronte teaches Joe the alignment chart, identifying herself as chaotic good: She’d break the rules for the right reason. Romance novels all have a chaotic good male hero, she explains, who will “beast out” for his true love.

Joe realizes that Maddie must become chaotic evil — someone who wants to hurt people, as Reagan evidently does — and, thus inspired, he bolts back to the basement to help her get into character. Maddie runs with it (“I should have eaten you in the womb when I had the chance” made me laugh). When Joe gets home, Kate tells him about Reagan’s evil plan and what Kate plans to do about it: resign. She has money in offshore accounts; they can start over! Unfortunately the part of herself that she despises — the part that wanted Reagan dead — is the part Joe loves the most. She is over the fantasy shtick where he’s a knight and she’s a queen. She wants to live in reality, where everybody gets over their issues and moves on. Joe pretends to agree with her. Then he goes upstate to kidnap Reagan. While Joe’s away, Bronte goes through his stuff and finds his graphic, erotic fanfic about her.

I love that Reagan is better prepared to be assaulted than Joe anticipated. Someone has been training for exactly this scenario! Also, great moment when she yanks off his mask and screams “YOU!” at him. She drags him for being a shitty assaulter (“I thought you’d be better at this, considering all the experience you have”) and literally bites him in the balls! 10/10 Reagan. Unfortunately, Joe still wins the battle by braining her with a bowling pin. He brings her unconscious — but not dead! — body back to the cage and tosses her in there with Maddie, who is scandalized because this was NOT the plan. Maddie, I am rooting for you, but I will need you not to be surprised when Joe betrays you … he is very clearly not a guy you can trust. No wonder her true love is someone heavily concussed.

Joe tells Maddie that she is going to kill Reagan, because her complicity is the only way he can guarantee her silence about this whole thing. Maddie refuses, but Joe says he’ll be giving Reagan the same choice when she wakes up. Will these sisters bury the hatchet and unite over their shared enemy? Alas, though it will be her doom, Reagan does not bond with her fellow captive. Instead, she mocks Maddie for trying to be Reagan all her life, even by sleeping with Harrison; she also rejects Maddie’s argument about being “forced” to be the surrogate. Maddie could have died during labor — she had a fractured pelvis — and Reagan says, coolly, that she knows that, and the doctor told them they might have to choose between Maddie and the baby, and she would not have chosen Maddie.

Upstairs at the store opening, I wonder how long Joe can keep up this sort of thing — doing all these very physical crimes and then carrying on with a regular life — just given the wear and tear it takes on the body. He looks great but this dude is almost 40, you know? He can fuck up his neck just by sleeping weird. Bronte is here in her most professional outfit (yet another slip, this time in Atonement green and visible bra). Who arrives but Clayton, along with the girl with whom he read Bronte’s one-act. Joe says he’ll respect Bronte’s space, but as soon as he sees Clayton grab her arm, he throws Clayton up against the bookshelves.

I feel like the casting here is a bit off, no? This encounter would play better if Clayton were more of a scrawny, Matty Healy type and not someone who is both younger and bigger than Joe. Do you really think that Clayton would be scared out of the store by this man? (Or: Is this a point in my “Clayton and Bronte are in the scam of a century together” column?)

Bronte runs out into an improbably beautifully lit alley to cry. Joe follows her and apologizes. She admits that she found his pages. But she cannot feel this way about him! He can’t feel this way about her! They pinkie-swore they weren’t going to!

But it’s not all a wash for Joe this evening: He gets back downstairs and finds that Maddie killed Reagan with an insulin shot to the neck.

Kate does not attend the opening — unclear if she even knows it’s happening — because she’s giving Teddy the bad news that she’s resigning, there’s no board seat for him and probably no job at all. He thinks Reagan must have something on Joe, but Kate tells him to let it go. The next day is the meeting where Kate is set on resigning. But she is not prepared for Maddie-as-Reagan to appear and announce (1) she’s stepping back as CFO and (2) she’s “spoken to Maddie,” who will NOT be stepping down so (3) Maddie now has all of Reagan’s votes, and the whole deal has been signed, sealed, delivered. This prompts Kate to propose a new motion and get Teddy on the board. What a turnaround for Teddy and his invisible husband.

Joe thinks his wife will be pleased with his handiwork. She is, however, suspicious and horrified. She knows something went down with Reagan. Joe, livid that his wife is too angry at him to be happy or grateful, decides that his marriage is broken. Unburdened, he goes to the bookshop, where Bronte is packing up her things because they simply cannot be in the same room without wanting to tear each other’s clothes off. Joe begs her to stay, and before you can say, “Okay, even I think that crop top is a little much for the workplace,” they are having sex on the desk. If Joe bothered to read even one of the romance novels Bronte recommended, I feel like he wouldn’t skip foreplay. Also, I guess Reagan didn’t bite his balls too hard after all. Silver linings!

You Recap: Sweet Fantasy (Remix)